27 and Broken: Christian therapist

I need a Christian therapist, one who won’t give me theoretical theological jargons but would understand my spiritual journey.
Don’t give me a redeem one, cause they’ll say it is well
and mountain of fire will tell me to pray about it.
I need to be able to pour out my emotional burden without feeling like a burden to those around me.
You see,
I grew up in church and they will probably tell you that I’m a good boy,
that I’m destined to one day stand on the alter and preach the word of God.
They’ll tell you I walk the straight and narrow path and to some extent that’s true.

But I question if they knew that I fell off that path at times,
even in Belgium did they know I was struggling to choose between God and porn.
I was torn, drowing in the waters of sin, slowly lossing my mind,
didn’t they see i needed help,
I couldn’t tell anyone but hoping someone would reach out and help me out but I was Brandon the good boy,
they probably thought everything was fine besides he was anointed to do the work of God, so he must be calm
Didn’t they notice that every time an alter call was done I ran out because I was scared of going to hell.
One day the pastor even stopped me and said once I gave my life I was saved
and all I had to do was to pray for forgiveness anytime I sinned
but the thing is I’ve never been good with communication so I struggled to fall on my knees and talk to my father
And that’s the same communication issue I am having today.
I can’t be hypocrite, who prays when he needs something or when there’s an issue.
It’s like being the prodigal son and leaving again after the father accepted me back

But now here I am
I’m back on my knees.
I kept hearing him whisper from the shadow of my sins.
I guess that’s a good sign, the spirit’s still within.
My prayer this time is father don’t let me leave again because next time I’m not sure I’ll be able to make it back,
I’m ready to commit,
I’ll even wear a ring,
I’m all in

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