Falling out of Love with Love

When I started writing this, I wanted to write a deep spoken word piece, mask some of the truth in some deep double entendre.

You see, writing allows me to scream as loud as I want without making a noise. It feels like the paper is more patient with my ink while I try to figure out my words.

Today, I just want to talk, tell you about one of the million and one thoughts that run through my mind. And you, dear reader, are my therapist.

You see, love has many faces but I’m here to talk about the one that’s supposed to give you butterflies in your stomach. Yeah, that type of love.

Love came knocking on my door and instead of welcoming her with excitement and open arms, I greeted her with doubt and fear.

I was the type to imagine and daydream about the possible future. Dreams mixed with love and possibility allow for your mind to travel and hope.

Well, the butterflies in my stomach shriveled and died. No longer do my eyes gleam with excitement; fear prevents them from seeing what is in front of me.

Never trusting her intentions for me; I mean, love has hurt me before. With my fears and doubts, I stab her in the heart… She has done the same to me in the past.

My heart perfectly guarded by fear

Seems like it’s not healed from the tear

Or maybe it has and I am just in my own head

The what ifs,

What if it goes wrong?

Am I settling?

What could have been?

What if I’m not the one for her?

What if there’s someone better?

One of my biggest worries is, what if we give it a go and it doesn’t workout? Would shr think I was lying to her all this time?

It’s like trying to hit the bull’s-eye with one go but never letting go of the bow and shooting the arrow.

So I just make the safe decision not to pursue anything.

But then I meet someone, build a genuine friendship, feelings get involved and grow and then I back down, leaving something that could have been more and leaving someone hurt.

Wow. My sister once called me the good guy with Yoruba demon tendencies. She was right. I see it now.

Love is stressful. Actually, love is beautiful but

Love is overrated or maybe it’s just me drowning in this fear and doubt.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I suck at relationships.

This isn’t a justification of my actions; in fact, not sure why I’m telling you this. I just needed to scream but I guess you can all hear it. So before I get scared and delete this, take care and bye and thanks for listening

Comments

  • VVV
    06/06/2020

    You went there…WOW! Thanks for trusting us as you ‘therapist’

  • butterflyy
    07/06/2020

    i listened and understood , as your therapist i would mike to say you’re making improvement to share that with me <3

  • Victoria U
    07/06/2020

    This is a great piece! As your therapist lol I think next time you should calm down… open your mind… don’t think about it too much… let love lead you.

  • M
    07/06/2020

    This is actually really beautifully written piece! And as your therapist i can’t wait to read more from you, I’m guessing it’s the begining of healing 🙂

    Love is indeed a beautiful thing however it can be so hurtful so i can definitely relate with you when you said about not trusting the intention it has.

  • Laura
    08/06/2020

    It’s an amazing piece!! You know is good when the reader was almost able to feel like the writer.

    Now as your therapist, from what I read I think you need to forgive yourself for you to be able to heal and forgive that person or that moment in life that hurt you. The bible says in Mark 12:31 ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ This also applies to forgiveness. For you to be able to move on one needs to forgive one self and heal meanwhile also learning to forgive that person. I personally don’t think people don’t run out of love but they do of forgiveness. Therefore, when forgiveness comes it erases past hurts as time goes consequently leading the way for trust- remember there is not fear in love!!

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