Journey to becoming

I’ve thought about multiple ways I could die
But too afraid to commit suicide
Just like the last time, I was too chicken
to take a decision that could change my life

Now I’m alone, I remember this feeling.

Emotionally broken
Claustrophobic.
A thousand thoughts.
Crowded mind.
No space in my head, so it spills out of my mouth.
Anxiety kicking in.
Depression around the corner.
Wish I could hold it.
But it’s better out than in.
Right, Fiona?

Trust issues
that I even robbed myself
Sometimes you’ve just got to throw in the towel. The realization that you’re the problem… And…
You aren’t as good as you thought… And…
You’re just not good enough.

I thought I had grown up but I’m still making rookie mistakes

Well, I fucked up
But it’s Brandon, so what’s new?
Mediocre as always
Never could materialise my dreams
And even if I did
I couldn’t sustain it

In school, I was always a 5 over 10
Worst of the best and the best of the worst
Looks like I’m still exactly that
Five years in uni due to multiple failures
And now still failing in life

Unable to hide my emotions
Got everyone asking if I’m fine
But if I told you my heart, could you really help me?
So I give the generic answer and even add a smile
Put on a façade to hide my despair

I’m Nigerian, we don’t do this mental health shit
You’re a first born, you have responsibilities,
stop crying and get to work
Funny how parents think they did a good job because their children followed them to church

Verse 2
You know the worst thing about being self conscious and self aware?
It’s that you can see it, you can see it before it manifests
The little changes, the little shifts in mindset and thoughts, your character rearranging, the personality redeveloping

It’s like watching yourself as a character in the movie while still writing the script.
Maybe it’s time I go with the flow, allow myself to go,
Go into my head and pull out the needle

I can see it, my inner demons starting to creep up towards the surface
To show you all my other faces
What would it be like if we made the decision to go the other way?

Maybe I’ve run out of innocence, maybe I’ve run out of goodness
Or consideration for others’ emotional well being,
Maybe I should act for once like there are no consequences for my actions

What happens to a ship when there’s no anchor to hold it still?
Maybe I should open the sails and be wild to the dance of the wind

Comments

  • Ede
    06/06/2020

    This is a lot, a whole lot of amazing ❤️. I’m proud of you for sharing❤️

  • Debisi
    06/06/2020

    You’re a good writer. This is an excellent piece.

  • Cici Luv
    06/06/2020

    So beautifully written ❤️ Proud of you always

  • Lelo
    06/06/2020

    It does get better. Hang in there.

  • Annette
    06/06/2020

    You’re an excellent writer Brandon.

    Can’t wait for more!!

  • Emma Daccord
    06/06/2020

    This resonated deeply with me. Thank you for sharing through your art. It’s crazy how something so obscur can create something as profound and beautiful as your words

  • Seyi
    06/06/2020

    This was such a good read and quite engaging, I was glued from the beginning to the end. Thank you for sharing.

  • Kamby
    06/06/2020

    That is beautiful

  • Peggy
    06/06/2020

    Smiles, from the beginning I read the title again, and yes I just did ?.

    Great piece Brandon, in becoming you find your purpose… the yoU = uniqueness of becoming YOU.

  • Blossom
    06/06/2020

    It’s real B, don’t stop at keeping it real. Well done!

  • Uju
    06/06/2020

    This is beautiful. I love it

  • Iyobosa Inerhumwunwa
    06/06/2020

    Beautiful write up! Keep evolving Brandon! The topmost top is yours!

  • Judith Guobadia
    06/06/2020

    Beautifully written. So genuine and transparent.

  • Dami
    06/06/2020

    This is amazing and really resonated with me, mental health and all its issues isnt to be overlooked. Loved this !

  • VVV
    06/06/2020

    I’m absolutely speechless. This is a brilliant piece!

  • Cheedra
    07/06/2020

    Are you sure you’re fine now though? This was heartbreaking to read

  • butterflyy
    07/06/2020

    you’ve a very good writer , this was very heartfelt ! absolutely speechless how you’ve conveyed so much eat through this

  • Victoria U
    07/06/2020

    Brandon! This… is so relatable! I think as young adults… especially African, we ALL go through this and it is really heart breaking but we should remember never to fall off… but to keep God first because he can get us through all we’re going through! ??

  • Chiamaka Ebochue
    12/06/2020

    Oh WoW.

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