Journey to becoming
I’ve thought about multiple ways I could die
But too afraid to commit suicide
Just like the last time, I was too chicken
to take a decision that could change my life
Now I’m alone, I remember this feeling.
A thousand thoughts.
No space in my head, so it spills out of my mouth.
Anxiety kicking in.
Depression around the corner.
Wish I could hold it.
But it’s better out than in.
that I even robbed myself
Sometimes you’ve just got to throw in the towel. The realization that you’re the problem… And…
You aren’t as good as you thought… And…
You’re just not good enough.
I thought I had grown up but I’m still making rookie mistakes
Well, I fucked up
But it’s Brandon, so what’s new?
Mediocre as always
Never could materialise my dreams
And even if I did
I couldn’t sustain it
In school, I was always a 5 over 10
Worst of the best and the best of the worst
Looks like I’m still exactly that
Five years in uni due to multiple failures
And now still failing in life
Unable to hide my emotions
Got everyone asking if I’m fine
But if I told you my heart, could you really help me?
So I give the generic answer and even add a smile
Put on a façade to hide my despair
I’m Nigerian, we don’t do this mental health shit
You’re a first born, you have responsibilities,
stop crying and get to work
Funny how parents think they did a good job because their children followed them to church
You know the worst thing about being self conscious and self aware?
It’s that you can see it, you can see it before it manifests
The little changes, the little shifts in mindset and thoughts, your character rearranging, the personality redeveloping
It’s like watching yourself as a character in the movie while still writing the script.
Maybe it’s time I go with the flow, allow myself to go,
Go into my head and pull out the needle
I can see it, my inner demons starting to creep up towards the surface
To show you all my other faces
What would it be like if we made the decision to go the other way?
Maybe I’ve run out of innocence, maybe I’ve run out of goodness
Or consideration for others’ emotional well being,
Maybe I should act for once like there are no consequences for my actions
What happens to a ship when there’s no anchor to hold it still?
Maybe I should open the sails and be wild to the dance of the wind