HOPE IS A DANGEROUS THING FOR A WOMAN LIKE ME ~
HOPE IS A DANGEROUS THING FOR A WOMAN LIKE ME TO HAVE.
If you asked E, one of my best friends to tell you about me, she would probably describe me as sweet, amazing, intelligent and all that jazz (yes, E, I know how much you love me). Depending on how the conversation goes, she might mention that I am a pessimist. I know this because a lot of times when we are talking, she would give me this annoyed look and say “Ede, you are too negative, always negative”.
It always made me laugh because I didn’t think of myself as negative, I preferred the term realist. I believed that I made logical predictions and conclusions based on facts that I could see, it didn’t hurt that most times despite how gloomy these predictions seem, I ended up right. The people always left, the job overwhelmed me, plans fell through, wishes proved to be anything but horses. Growing up, I decided that being logical and sensible would be the best way to go through life without pain and disappointments but it took a conversation with another friend sometime this year, to see that I am also jaded.
Somehow, all of that realism and logic made me angry, tired and sad at the world and the way it treats me. I did not want to try anymore because past events showed that I would fail, the plan would fail, hopes would shatter, life would happen and I would end up as the exact same thing I despised, heartbroken.
Somehow, I also forgot that logic stated that people are different, that there is a chance of failure but also a chance of success. I forgot that having hope was not stupid but it was realistic, I forgot all of the tight corners I had been in but I somehow squeezed out of. I forgot all of the good things that had happened to me and focused on the bad things, on all of my weaknesses and flaws I shone light till they became all I saw. All the ways it could fail without looking at all the ways it could not. I was 21 and I was a pessimist (Congratulations, E, you were right *cue eye roll). In that same line of thought, I decided that I’m too young to be that jaded and negative. Yes, disappointments will come but good things will come too. I decided that the monsters under my bed would not always win and I am trying to be okay with that.
Habits are hard to change but I am trying to change mine. I’m trying to shift focus to the love that God has for me, my amazing support system that expands every other day, the fact that I am intelligent, beautiful and everything is working together for my good.
I will be 22 on the 23rd of June and I can only say in the words of Lana Del Ray, “Hope is a dangerous thing for a woman like me to have … but I have it”.