It was the 1st day of 2021, a few minutes into it to be precise and I stood off to the side whilst I saw people jump and scream “Happy new year”. I just watched them because I did not know what else to do. I just could not feel the excitement of a new year because I kept thinking what really changes? I remember feeeling so far removed from all of the excitement around me and I really just wanted to go to bed.
It is the 20th day of the year and I have just realised the number that 2020 did on me. It ruined making plans because it showed me you do not really have as much control as you think you have. It removed any form of excitement over good news because you keep waiting for the other shoe to drop and for you to see that it was all a prank. 2020 showed me that at every point you reach a new low, there is even a lower point.
There is a lot of healing to be done and while we want to push it away and act like 2020 never existed, that realistically can never happen. My skin would still crawl whenever i hear anything that sounds remotely like gunshots, my eyes would still fill up when i see #endsars and #blacklivesmatter, my heart would still break when i think of all the people that passed on last year and all of the uncertainties.
I feel like i am constantly on edge and in survival mode, not being able to really enjoy or do anything but just breathe and hope i keep breathing.
I hope to get to the point where i am no longer anxious of my anxiety, where i can laugh from my heart, get a full night of sleep and bask in the love of my God.
But for now, I am APATHETIC